New Year, New Resolutions

2010: I will not take a drink before 6:00 p.m.
2011: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2012: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2013: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Can you eat

Kids to grandfather: Can you eat candies?
Grandfather: Not at all! I have got no teeth but why are you asking so?
Kid: Please take care of this packet of sweet till I come back!!

Milkman is milking cow

English teacher: Milkman is milking cow. Change the voice
Student: Milkman is being milked by cow.

Called saints....

Long time ago, lots of persons who sacrificed:-
their sleep..
their food..
their family..
their laughter..

were called SAINTS..

But now they are called..
Employees..

Office?

Son: What is office, dad?
Dad: A space where you feel so relax after strenuous house life.

Handling variety of Work

Employer: Well, young man.. Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: I ought to be able to. I have had 10 different jobs in 3 months..

Why do Computers...

Teacher to kids: Do you know baby, why do computers have glasses?
Kids reply: Because they want to improve their web sight..

Can I Do Nothing?

Once a crow was sitting on a high tree and does nothing whole day.
A rabbit noticed this and asked: Can I also sit like you and do nothing whole day?
The crow replied: Sure, you can?
So rabbit slept on the ground below the crow and started rest. Suddenly a fox came on the rabbit and killed it.

Moral for office employers: To be sitting idle and doing nothing, you must be on very high place.

Last night...

Once in a bar, one guy said to another..
"I slept with your mom last night."
after that whole bar was waiting another guy's response.

After a while... he laughs and says shortly: Let's go home, Father, you are drunk....

About Result

Father: What about your result?
Son: Dad, Principal's son failed..
Father: What about yo?
Son: Dad, doctor's daughter also failed..
Father: Well what about you?
Son: Exams are not a joke.. I am not Albert Ernestine's son, I am also failed..

Go to bed

Kids: Why do we always go to bed?
Dad: Simply because bed will not come to us!

King of Forest

Teacher: Where do all the lions sleep?
Kid answered: Anywhere where they want to, because they are king of forest..

Who is unable

"Never risk a joke with someone who is unable to comprehend it."
~Anonymous

Stuck on you

What does a glue say to the professor?
I am stuck on you.

Degraded

"The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded."
~George Orwell

Tease me

Boy: Mother, my school mates tease me and call me a girl..
Mother: Don't take any tension, Now when somebody calls you girl, slap them with your bag and scratch the face!!

Watch and Wife?

Once a man asked: What is the difference between watch and wife?
His friend replied: If a watch gets angry, it stops but if wife gets angry, she starts..

Brain at Bar

Once brain walks into bar and says "can i have a pint of beer please..?"
The barman looks at him and replies "Sorry i can not serve you"
"Why not?" asks the brain
"Because you are already out of your head..."

Miser Dies

Miser man dies and goes to Heaven.
As a gift for his good works, God gives him two big palaces.
He sells one, rents the other and goes to live with his relatives in hell.

Bestseller Book

Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

In Love With a Guy

Girl: Mom, I am in love with a guy..
Mom shocked: How old is the boy and what he does?
Girl: 3 month kicking happily in my stomach..

Second Marriage

Call menu of marriage beuro..
Press 1 for slim girl, press 2 for average girl, press 3 for healthy girl..
Man asked: What to press for second marriage?
Executive: Press neck of first one!

Yes Dad....

(Papa means Dad)
Johny Johny - Yes papa
Job in IT? - Yes Papa
Lost of tensions - Yes papa
Too much work - Yes papa
Social Life - No Papa
BP and Sugar - High Papa
Yearly Bonus - Joke papa
Annual Pay - Low Papa
Personal life - lost papa
Promotions and incentive - Ha Ha Ha

Very Extravagant

Miser: My wife is very extravagant.. Always she demands for 1000$, 2ooo$..
Friend: But do you know what she does with that money?
Miser: I don't know, i never gave her..

Art of Living

Ricky: What is the part of life?
Jazz: Living with 'WIFE' is "part of living"
Ricky: And what about art of life?
Jazz: Living with 'same wife' for 'years and years' and still try to be happy is 'art of life'

I am Wild?

Boyfriend: You remind me of the sea.
Girlfriend: Because I am wild, exiting and romantic...
Boyfriend: Nope, because you make me sick.!!

Ever Cheated?

On 25th anniversary,

Husband: Have you ever cheated on me?

Wife yes, two times...

Husband yelled: when??

Wife: In 1990, when you needed leg plaster and we didn’t have insurance,
then I had a doctor treat you for free..
And second time in 95, when you stand for position of Mayor and you were behind 150 votes!!!!!!!!!!!

Where to Go?

Wife: Doctor has suggested me to have rest for one month and also said that i should go to some good countries.. So where will we go?
Husband: To some another Doctor!!

When Men wake up..

Boy to girl:
When Men wake up, they look as good as they went to bed..
But Women often deteriorate during the night,we don't know how!!

Best Seller

Professor: What should be the plus point of a book to make it best seller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on girl..

I am Joking

College Boy: My Father's name is laughing and my mother name is smiling.
Girl: You must be kidding...
College boy: No, that's my brother I am joking...

Money on Tree

Mother: Money doesn't grow on trees.
Kid: My dear mom, if we calculate than money is made of paper and it comes from tress.. So Pl rethink it..

Butterfly

Kid: Can I throw the butter high?
Mom: Why?
Kid: Because i love to see butterfly.

Hate Math?

Kids who hate math pray like this:
My dear maths,

Kindly grow up fast and be capable of solving your problems. Please Do not be dependent upon us!

Thanks

Madness

Q: What is the height of madness?
A: When girlfriend throws her boyfriend from the top floor and says, real love is in Air, my honey!

Fastest Trick

Girl: Suggest me the fastest trick to get into boyfriend's heart?
Mother: Simply, through his chest with the help of sharp knife!!

What is Love?

What is love? Girl asks to his friend..
Friend: It is like a dinner in the best and favorite restaurant..
Girl: And what about marriage?
Friend: It's like a take home packet..

Surprise

Husband wants to surprise his wife..
He did clean his chest from hair and sleep with his wife..
Wife: Oh, brother in law, when you came here?

Figure Like........

Husband: Dear, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
wife: Really??
Husband: Yes darling you still have, only difference is earlier it was 300ml and now it's 1.5 liter.

Wish for Rain

Why does a smart man wishes for the rain?
Simply because he gets a chance of his car wash for free..

Reached to God

Once, a man's wife was not well and than she dead..
After one day, there was storm and heavy rain happens..
Husband said: I think she has reached to the God!!

Lots of Desires

John: I have lots of desires but..
Candy: But what?
John: Lots of things stop me..
Candy: Why All desirable things in life are either banned, expensive, illegal or married to someone else!

Marriage is Like

Marriage is like public toilet..
Those who waiting outside, are desperate and curious to get in..
But those who inside, are desperate to come out!!

Feel Bad

Bad Man: I really feel bad for the people who do not drink or booze.
Good Man: Why so?
Bad Man: Because some day they will go to hospital and die without knowing the reason.

Rejecting Proposal

Boy: Why do you always reject my proposal?
Girl: Because you are so short that you need to look up to look down.

A Miser

How does a miser reaches his workstation of 20 miles far?
He acts smartly and goes to office by walk so that he could be offered best resale value for for his vehicle..

Correction

Johny: Can I Go To The Bathroom?
Teacher: (while correction) May, I Go To The Bathroom?
Johny: No miss, not fair, I asked for it 1st..

Open Mind

Mack: My mind is so so open..
Peter: Yeah, it is so open that ideas simply pass through it.

Living on Earth

We understand that living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun...

Just Kidding

Boy : I love You....
Girl : I don't..
Boy : Think again..
Girl :  No, I don't..
boy : Waiter, make two separate bills for this lunch..
Girl : I love you too darling.. I am just kidding my love..:)

Husband was Sleeping

Once husband was sleeping and wife was taking bath.
A door bell rings and wife wrap herself in a towel and open the door.
She see the neighbor..
Neighbor asked: If you remove your towel, i will give you 1000$.
she think for a while and removes..
neighbor gives her 1000$ and goes.
After waking up husband asks, "did the next neighbor given you 1000$ he owed from me??"

How to Love

Wife: You do not know how to love..
Husband: if i do not know than have you downloaded these two kids from internet ?
Wife: no, they are the result of our neighbor's pen-drive...!!!!!!!

'Impossible' in Hitler's Dictionary"

Hitler says:-
"There is no word like 'impossible' in my dictionary"
Soldier: You should have checked the dictionary before buying it.....

Beggar and Coffee

Beggar: Pl give me 2$ for coffee.
Stranger: You can buy 2 cup of coffee in 2$.
Beggar: Yes, but I have my girlfriend with me also.
Stranger: How funny, a beggar made a girlfriend.
Beggar: No sir, girlfriend made me beggar!!

Two Females Fight

Two females were fighting for bus seat..
Conductor: OK, stop fighting, The older one should get the sit..
and you know what happened??
Seat kept empty..