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Top Short Jokes


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Once a guy asked a female painter to paint him without clothes.
She strictly denied.
Guy: I can pay you 2 time more  than you charge normally
Female painter: No, sorry
Guy: Ok, my final offer - I'll pay you 4 times more..
The female painted thought about it and gets agree but she said I have one condition for it.
Guy: What?
Female Painter: Let me at least wear my socks so I could put my brushes somewhere!



How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
Your garbage cans are empty and your dog's pregnant.
-Stand By Me




Wife: Why do you drink?
Husband: I find it ultimate cure for Insomnia.



Once a stockbroker caught his spouse with his friend.
He asked her: What the hell is going on?
She replied: Sorry, but your wife has gone public!



Do you make faces to a stranger's baby when their parents aren't looking.



Him: Does this shirt make me look fat? Me: Nope.. but the fat makes you look fat.



How free the birds are they can fly anywhere and shit on anyone's head.



Please never try this at home.. Okay, I'll try this at my friend's home



My mother in law thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" she just texted me "Your father in law just died. LOL."



Which three countries make someone want to eat?Turkey, Grease and Hungry..



Professor: Where is your homework?
Student Sir, Kindly check out your Facebook, I already uploaded it and tagged you.



Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cash!
Cash who?
Cash me if you can!



Cristine: You know, behind every successful man, there is a woman!
Michal: But behind every unsuccessful man, there are two..



Once a Doctor and engineer fall in love with same lady.
Engineer started gifting an apple to the girl.
Girl asked: There are lots of other things to gift but why do you give me this apple?
Engineer replied: Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!


Man: When i should think that i am getting aged?
Friend: When your beloved says, 'can we go upstairs and make some romantic talks?' and you reply, 'Sorry dear but i can't afford to do both things at a time.'



Photographer: Hello, baby, look, here is a parrot..
Kid: Do not be childish. Adjust the focus... Set the camera on portrait mode, Pic should be in macro and high resolution, otherwise i will not pay!!



You know! The good judgment often comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment!!



Girl: I hate that beggar.
Father: Why so?
Girl: Yesterday, I gave him food yesterday and today he Gifted me a book-"How to Cook"!!



Teacher: Tom, Tell me the color of rain?
Tom: Miss, I think it has water color!!



First friend: Dear, i love lipsticks, they are very tasty.
Next Day..
Second friend: You are liar, i bought 10 lipsticks and ate but worst taste..



There was a 75 year old lady, who neither did love nor got married in her life time.
She has written a note: "My grave stone should be marked with 'Born clean, lived clean and died clean'
When she died, Sculptor read that but was in hurry so he short ended it with: ‘Courier Returned as it is’!!



Girl: Why in wedding ceremony, bride sits on Left and bridegroom sits on right side?
Accountant: According to Profit and Loss Account, all income are on right side and expenses on left side..



Bridegroom: I was happy with my salary package, but now we are two. Is my package sufficient for you expense and needs?
Bride: Of-course, it is more than enough for me, but what about you?



Wife in anger: I was mad when i accepted your marriage proposal shortly..
Hubby: Yes honey, but I was in love so i could not noticed that..



Kid: Dad, Who is a Doctor?
Father: Doctor is a human being who kills our ills by his suggested pills but thrills us his raised bills!!



Jackson: Now i can to know why after Eating Fish, people do not drink water..
Suzie: Why so?
Jackson: Because people fear that fish will start swimming in their Stomach.



Sometimes the condition of husband is just like split AC..
It does not matters, how loud he is outside, but inside the house...
He is designed to remain silent, cool and controlled by remote...



Friend1: Earlier my son was ill but after Doctor prescription, now he has broken leg too.
Friend2: How is it possible?
Friend1: Yes, he wen to Doctor and Doctor gave hm prescription and instructed that no matter what happened you have to follow the prescription..
Friend2: But he had broken leg
Friend1: He was standing by window and the prescription blew and he followed that paper and jumped from the window...



In local Market: Compare our price..
Customer asked to salesman: Compare with what?
Salesman: With our next week prices!!



Kid and his father were walking on the sea side.. When kid noticed a dead parrot..
Kid asked: What happened to this parrot?
Father: It died and went to heaven.
After few minutes, Kid asked: And God threw the parrot back down??



Two men were talking..
One had worn a branded watch and the other one worn general watch..
Man 1: What is the difference between your and my watch? You bought it for 2000$ and i bought it for 100$.. Both show the same time..
Man 2 replied: No, your watch shows your time but my watch shows mine time...



Little Girl: That boy is siting there all the say, doing nothing but wasting the time..
Teacher: How do you know?
Little girl: I have been watching him continuously...



Girl to Boy: Can you help me?
Boy: Yes, tell me your problem?
Girl: I do not have an internet access at my home computer.
So can you copy it on my pen drive?



Sherie: What do you do if your wife throws a pin at you?
Scot: I will as fast as possible..
Sherie: Why so?
Scot: Because it is possible that he may still holding a grenade in her hand!!



Miser: What would you like to have? Hot or something cold?
Guest: Hmm, well both..
Miser to his wife: Pl bring two glass of water.. One from freezer and another from geezer..



God blessed Software engineer with twins..
But husband wife were confused in choosing their names..
After long discussion, they named them: Copy - Paste!!



Signs of a man worki­ng in the corpo­rate house:
Depressed..
Stressed..
Still well dress­ed..



Man: How can people stay without bathing for couple of months?
Colleague: I don't know but why are you asking this question?
Man: Because I got rashes in just 25 days.



Angelina: I have noticed many times that you laugh 3 times on short jokes. Why so?
Pam: There is a reason behind. I laugh once when i listen it, second time when someone explains me, third time after 10 minutes later, when i actually understand it.



Boy: You are so tall..
Girl: But You are so short that I am sure when you sneeze you hit your forehead on the earth..



Once a man bought a robot who slaps when anyone lies..
Son: I do not want to go to school as i have stomach ache and robot slaps him..
Dad: You are lying that is why robots slapped you, when i was at your age, i never lied and robot slaps his dad too.
Wife laughed and said: He is your son that is why he is lying.. Robot slaps his wife too!!



Father writes on his son's Facebook wall:-
Dear Son, how the things are going on? Here, all is perfect.
But we miss you a lot.
We request you to kindly leave the system and..
come downstairs for lunch..



Experience says: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage !!



Boy: I want to tell you about the thing which makes me to die on you..
Girl: Pl tell.
Boy: Oh no, I was thinking about your friend..



Boss: You know you should never hold your farts in..
Officer: Why?
Boss: Because then they travel up to your spine and goes into the brain, and that is where bad ideas origin from...



Rich man: If i go by my car, from morning till night, i can not overview my half area of my properties..
Poor man: Same with me, i also used to have so slow and old car but sold..



Girl: Do you know that married men live longer than single man do?
Boy: Do you know married men have more willing to die.



Hubby: I have noticed that you are searching for blood subject related books. Why so?
Spouse: Because i am going for blood test tomorrow and i want to achieve the highest !!



A man calls up White House and says: Can I be the next President?
Officer: Are you an idiot?
Man: Why? Is it compulsory?



Jasmine: I noticed that you often close your eyes when you start singing?
Julie: I do it because I can not tolerate my audience sleeping..



Nicky: What is the example of good, bad and worst thing in life.
Sam: Your spouse does not speak to you, She is going for divorce, She has a lawyer degree!



Man: Do you feel bad when i follow girls to flirt them?
Spouse: No way! Lots of dogs run and bark towards vehicles but it doesn't mean that they can drive it.



Friend ask to his miser friend: I noticed that you often remove cell from watch and keep them outside?
Miser friend: I just want to extend the life of cells, so I use them in the clock only whenever I wish to know the time..



Son: Pl tell me the difference between mom and wife?
Dad: One who brings you into this great world crying and the another ensures you continue crying..



Teacher: You know kids, where there is a will..
One kid added: There are hundreds of relatives behind !



Man: Husband are like..
Women: They are like car tyre. Just good on their first year only !!



Manager: Do you know the height of laziness?
Employee: Yes, It is when you adopt a child !



A salesman hugs a girl..
Girl: What the hell is this?
Salesman: It is direct marketing..
Girl slaps him..
Salesman: What is this?
Girl: It is a customer's feedback !



Q: What is the difference between a man who is buying a lottery ticket and a man who is arguing with his wife?
A: Lottery ticket buyer has still some chances to win.



Grandson: What is the secret of happy and satisfied married life?
Grandfather: My dear, It is still a secret.



One man bought two fishes and named them 1 and 2.
His friend asked: Why did you name these fishes 1 and 2?
Man replied: If 1 dies still i have 2..



When you are in hospital, your friends ask: Hey, hi, how are you dear?
But your best friends ask: Hey buddy, how is the nurse?



Harry: Can you tell me, what is the best way to remember my wife's birthday?
John: It's very simple, Just forget it once.



Person visited psychiatrist office and psychiatrist said: You are Mad..
He asked him to give a second opinion and he said: You are ugly too.



Shelly: I think you must have taken birth in the highway..
Tom: Why you think so?
Shelly: Because that is the place where all major accidents happen.



Sim: Why it is hard to find the boys who are handsome, sensitive, caring and gentle?
Jaine: Because they already have a boyfriend.



Husband messaged to his wife: Dear, I am just having my last glass of beer and coming home within 40 minutes and if i don't reach, Pl read same message again.



Kristine: I am giving a grand party on my 19th birthday. Are you coming to attend it?
James: No, i attended that four years ago.



Man: My wife is short of sense and scares a lot from water.
Friend: But how do you know this?
Man: Yesterday, when i reached home, she was in bath tub with the security guard.



Steve: I have had bad luck with my both wives.
Angelina:Tell me, how?
Steve: The first wife left me and second one didn't.



What is the different in in bride-groom and adopted dog?
After 2 years, dog is still love to have fun with you..



Michal: Why women live longer, better and peaceful life?
John: Because, they don't have a wife.



Q: What to do to spend happy life with women?
A: Well, you must love her but do not try to understand her.



Patient: Doctor, i only have 55 short seconds to live..
Doctor: Pl wait, I'll attend you in a minute..
Patient: What a joke!



Music Lover: You know, i love life but there is a one big trouble with it.
Girl: What?
Music Lover: There is no background music.



Engineer: Please drag folder to the right of the screen..
Funny client: Sir, your right or mine?



Man: What is a century like to you?
God: It is like a short second.
Man: What is billion dollars like to you?
God: Like a penny..
Man: Can i have a penny?
God: How funny.. Just wait for a second..



A man was removing two wheels from his car.
A girl asked him: what are you doing??
Man: Can't you see the board, "Parking for two wheelers only".



For me, a train station is where trains stop,
A bus station is where buses stop,
In my office, i have work station.



Kid: What is husband and wife?
Granny: Husband is the head of the family but wife is the neck,
which can turn head anywhere.



Males want to get married because they are tired and stressed; Females do because they are so curious; but very shortly both face disappointment..



Jacky: I worry too much about my work and job.
Anson: You should Stop it right now
Jacky: Why?
Anson: Simply because you are not paid enough to worry.



Son: Why do barbers become good drivers shortly?
Father replied in short: Because they know all the short cuts..



Dad: My dear son, always remember that beauty is not measured by our outer stuff, style and walk. It is what we are from inside.
Son: You mean to say that i should go out with no clothes to get the real appreciation??



Famous Proverb: Mama's baby but Papa's maybe..



Happiness is a bottle of lemonade
Ready to fizz and let out your happiness
To give happiness
Simply smile or say something nice
Happiness is when a waiting bubble bursts
Spreading a happy feeling
A word, a simple smile
Can make someone happy..


*****

"Total absence of humor renders life impossible" ~ Collete

"Family jokes, through rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive." ~ Stella Benson

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