Funny Quotes

Best collection of most hilarious funny quotes. Read, share and enjoy!

"If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth."

"See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil."

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
-Rita Rudner

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."

"In my house, I am the boss. My wife is the decision maker."
-Woody Allen

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
-Les Dawson

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

"I am not a real movie star. I’ve still go the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
-Will Rogers

funny quotes

"Love is the answer. But while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
-Woody Allen

"Lawyers should not marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding from
which comes idiot children and other lawyers."
-David Wayne

"Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
-Albert Einstein

"A rich man's joke is always funny."

"A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
-Mel Brooks

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
-Dame Edna Everage

"Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once."
-Eva Gabor

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-Dean Martin

"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine."
-David Brenner

"Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb."
-Dark Helmet, Space Balls

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."

"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused."
-Shirley Maclaine

"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don’t have the time."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
-David Letterman

Trish: "Do you have protection?"
Andy: "I don't believe in guns."
-40 Year Old Virgin

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
-Rita Rudner

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people
in America. If I am not there, I go to work."
-Robert Orben

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."

"An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously."
-Charles F. Kettering

"You can be young without money but you ca not be old without it."

"It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Now I
am afraid to go to the bathroom."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
-Louis Hector Berlioz

"The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

"There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
-Oscar Wilde

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."

"A man is not poor if can still laugh."
-Raymond Hitchcock

"A drink a day keeps the shrink away."
-Edward Abbey

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."
-Joe E. Lewis

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."
-Dennis Miller

"My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives."

"A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
-Dave Barry

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
-Qscar Wilde

"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."
-Albert Einstein

"Please help the homeless. Take me home with you."

"Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance?"
-Edgar Bergen

"9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
-Chris Rock

"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra."
-Angie Dickinson

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
-Ron White

"It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
~Robert Frost

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…"
-Sir Norman Wisdom

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."
-Bob Hope

"I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me."
-Dylan Moran

"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law."
-Sholom Aleichem

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
-Alfred Hitchcock

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
-George Bernard Shaw

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
-Jimmy Durante

"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."
-Robert Byrne

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