Excuse Me..

Boy to girl: Excuse me miss..
Girl: Yes, what?
Boy: I just felt it, but you are looking much like my next girlfriend..

Like Dancing?

In a Disco:
Boy: Do you like dancing?
Girl: Smiles and stands up..
Boy: Than why don't you go and dance? I need this chair..

Dad Always Kiss

Kid 1: My dad always kiss my mom before he leaves for work..
Kid 2;: My dad too kiss your mom after your dad leave for work...

Why Girls Look Beautiful?

Do you know, why girls look beautiful?
Is it real
or
due to make up??
both false
Girls look beautiful because boys have good imaginations!!!

85 Years Old Father

Boy: My father is 85 years old, millionaire and he will die very soon..
I'll be rich.. Will u marry me?
Girl: NO
A week later, She married his father!!

Moral: Don't Give ideas to girls..

Missed Call

People say potty is nature's call
than sometimes i think what is a fart?
Purr...
.
.
Definitely nature's missed call!!

Behing Bars

Did you know that one time a friend of mine farted so badly that..
He had to spend 2 years behind bars for polluting air..

Such a Nice Guy.

My friend was such a nice guy. He doesn't booze, smoke, fart and even he has no affairs..
After sometime he left the world..
But insurance company refused to give any claim and excused that the person who never lived, cannot die!

Cat's Favourite

What is a cat's favourite dessert?
Mice pudding.

Catching Flies

Once a man catching flies..
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Cleaning home from flies and I have killed 2 males and 3 females flies..
Wife: How do you know their gender?
Husband: I know because 2 were sitting on beer bottle and 3 were over the phone!

Others Can Not

Mother: Can you do anything that others can not do?
Son: Yes, i can read my handwriting..

Can Not See

Patient: I have one problem.
Doctor: Tell me your problem?
Patient: When I talk I can not see the person's face.
Doctor: And when it happens?
Patient: While speaking on the Phone!

Never Repeat

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Any Will

Where there is any will, I love to be in it.

Fast Friends

Coffee and cigarettes: an alcoholic's fast friends!!

When I Sleep

I am happy that I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

Stop Drinking

Friend: Stop drinking, Do you know alcohol kills slowly.
Man: We know, Who's in a hurry?

Dangerous Letter

Man 1: What is most dangerous letter of alphabets?
Man 2: It is 'W'
Man 1: How?
Man 2: Because all questions start with 'W' like..
who, why, what, which, whom, where and wife...

Everything's getting Broken

Mack opened the door, it got broken..
He opened the tap, again it got broken...
Than tried to open the suitcase, it got broken...
Now fearing of doing Loo!!!

Confident and Confidential

Daughter: Mom, what is the difference between confident and confidential
Mom: Well, you are my baby is a thing of confident but who is your dad
is something confidential..

One Cup Coffee

Husband: One cup coffee..
Wife: What?? ask again!!
Husband: can i get for you, dear?
Wife: OK, that's better..

Suppose to Jump

A boy sees a girl suppose to jump off a bridge:--
Boy: Pl stop, what are you going to do?
Girl: Can't you see? I am going to commit suicide..
Boy: Before doing this, can I kiss you??
Girl: OK..
Boy: Thanks a lot, it was the best kiss I ever got..
Boy: Can you share why are you doing so?
Girl: Because my mom does let me dressing up like girls..

Benefit of Marriage

Husband: I got one benefit for getting married to you..
Wife got happy and asked: what?
Husband: I got fruit of all my wrong works while I am alive..

Essay on Crcket

Mom: I want to see your intelligence, write an essay on Cricket match.
After 10 min, when mom came back, the kid was writing nothing!

Mom asked: have you finished?
Kid wrote: "Due to Rain, No Match!!!"

Felled From Building

Once a men said to his friend,
When I was 4 year old kid I felled from four story building..
Second men; were you dead or safe?
Men: I didn't remember because that time I was a kid!

Belly Come Out

Mom to her Kid: Do not suck your thumb, your belly will come out. ok.
Next day kid was going to school, he saw a pregnant lady.
Kid asked: I know what you sucked so your belly came out !!!

Easy English?

A kid asked to his father: Who said English is easy???
Fill in the blank with YES or No...
1.-----I don't have brain...
2.-----I don't have sense...
3.-----I am Mad...

Good Character

Teacher: If you want to make your character good, then say all woman 'Mother'.
Student: Well that will make my character good, but that what about my Father??

Daughter Mostly in Kitchen

Neighbor: I noticed that your daughter is mostly in the kitchen.
Probably she loves cooking so many varieties.
Her little brother instantly replied: No, actually our telephone connection is in the kitchen.

In Love With Same Girl

Once a man and a doctor were in love with same girl.
Man got an idea and started giving an Apple to his love daily.
When that girl asked why this apple daily?
Man replied: An apple a day keeps the doctor away...!!

Ssomething Wrong With...

When you drink:-
Brandy and water = Injures kidney
Rum and water = bad forever
Beer and water = unhealthy b.p.
Gin and water = high risk of paralysis

In short, there is something wrong with 'water'.

Dinner Choices

Wife: Dear, can we have dinner now?
Husband: OK, what are my choices?
Wife: Dear, choose between Yes or No!

Birds in Love

1st friend: What do call two birds with love?
2nd friend: Tweet hearts.!!!

Lost Dog

My uncle lost his dog last week.
I said why don''t you put an advertisement in newspaper?
Uncle replied: Don't be silly, my dog can't read newspaper..

Buying Double Ticket

Bus conductor: Hey, why are you buying double tickets?
Funny passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool, I already have my Pass with me..!!!

Doctor Behind Patient

Doctor was running behind his patient...
People asked what happened??
Doctor said every time he comes for operation of his forehead.. and runs after hair cut..

Boy on Date

A Boy on date with a girl in BMW car..
Boy: Sweet Heart,I hide something from you...
Girl : Tell..
Boy: I am already Married..
Girl: Oh,You scared me..I thought, this BMW is not Yours!!!!!!

Wife to Night Club

Man: Why do you always take your wife to night clubs only?
Friend: Because by the time she gets ready - no other place is open.!!

35 Are Enough

I asked to my friend: should women have kids after 35??
Friend said: No, 35 are enough kids..

Burglar Downstairs

One night wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told
him "There is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the
cake that my mother made for us.
The husband asked, "to whom shall I call, the police or an ambulance?...

Any Windows Opened?

A beautiful lady was having problem her PC and so she calls customer care.
Executive: Good morning, how may I help you?
Lady: I am facing problem in my computer, nothing is working on it.
Executive: Is there any windows opened?
Lady: Are you mad? There is freezing chill outside!

Kkangaroo Jump?

Teacher:: Answer this question. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Student: Of course yes mam, because the Empire State Building can't jump at all!

Water Fool

Man: Today i made a fool of water.
Friend: How?
Man: I heated some water for bath and bathed with cold water.!!!

How Many Wheels

Friend: Friend: How many wheels are there in the Motorcycle
Driver : Six.
Friend: How?
Driver: Four in motor and two in the cycle....

In Next Life

Man What do you want to become in your next life?
Friend : A cockroach.
Man: Very funny but why?
Friend : Because my wife only fears from cockroach.!!!

Brain From Me

Couple was discussing about their daughter progress..
Husband: I am sure that our daughter has got her brain from me..
Wife replied: I think you are right, because I still have my brain with me...

Opposite meaning

Drunk driver asked his wife: Dear, in life sometimes there are opposite meaning of words..
Wife: How??
Driver: Like, we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?

Compromising With Wife

Man: How did you compromise with your wife?
Husband: She came to me on her feet.
Man: and what she said?
Husband: i was down under the bad and she said come out, i will not say you anything...

Happiest Person

Wife: I have great news for you, very soon we are going three instead
of two in this house.
Husband: Wow, I love you honey, I am the happiest person in the world.''
Wife: Thank you so much for reacting so positively because tomorrow from evening my mother will stay with us.!!

Couples Conversation

Male: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Female: Yes, but would you stay there?
Male: I want to share everything with you.
Female: Let's start from your bank account.

Secrets of Good Marriage?

Man: What are the secrets of good marriage?
Woman: Admit whenever you are wrong and keep your mouth shut when you are right..

Mechanical Engineer v/s Civil Engineers

Dad: Do you know the difference between Mechanical Engineer and Civil Engineer?
Son: Yes, A Mechanical Engineer builds weapons but a Civil Engineer builds targets...

Hugs and Kisses Check

Mr Joy: I sent 200 hugs and 100 Kisses check to my wife on her birthday as i was out of pocket.
Friend: good, so what she did??
Mr. Joy: Bank manager cash that check !!!

Too Much Study

First girl: we girls don't like study too much!!
Second girl: why??
first: think...think more...
o.k, because..
we know someone, somewhere would be doing studying for us...
poor boys!!!

Imagination

Interviewer: Just imagine you are on fifth floor and It caught fire, how will you escape?
Candidate: It is very simple, i will stop my imagination!!

Never Gonna True

Boy to girl: will this ever going to be true??
Girl: What?
Boy:-
-Two mad are playing chess..
-Two Women are sitting quiet..
-Girl-Friends are paying the bills…!!!

Too Sad

When I was born they fired a 10-gun salute. Too sad - they missed.

For You

If you can't laugh at yourself, I can do it for you.

The Result

Father: When two's company, three's?
Son: Three's the result!

Choose Friends

God made relatives but I really thankful to God because we can choose our friends.

Summer Over

I think summer must be over, because our neighbor returned our lawn furniture..

You Are Lucky

My girlfriend doesn't know what she wants.
You're lucky. My does.

Loose Looks

Husband: Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?
Wife: Yes if you're lucky.

Those Big Eyes

Boy: Where did you get those big eyes?
Girl: They came with the face.

My Room

My room isn't messy. It's custom designed by a five year old.

God Closes

Whenever God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.

Don't Worry

Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

Wedding Anniversary

The memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

Close to Monday

It is strange - why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

Security

You wanna be funny and Wave hi to security cameras.

Breakfast in Bed

I tried to make my girl breakfast in bed the other day. It didn't go too well. I
caught the comforter on fire and got jelly on the sheets.

Kind of Key

What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle?
A mon-KEY.

Lady Goes to Clinic

A lady goes to the clinic, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What's wrong?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't understand what to be done. Every time my man comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a Idea - When he comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and
start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.
7 days later the she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Lady: Thanks Doctor, that worked well! I followed your advice and he didn't even touch
me!
Doctor: "Yes, now you can see how much keeping females mouth close help?"

Trying To Cry

Husband: My wife died today.. I am trying to cry but tears are not coming out.
What should I do?
Friend: So easy.. Once Imagine that she Came Back!!

Why Did You Go?

A man was crying and saying: What did i do with you? why did you go? Was i your enemy? I will never forgive you..
His colleague asked: Yo are looking so sad and to whom you are saying all this?
Man replied: My spouse's Ex-Hubby, He is no more in this world..

Lesser Everyday

We are becoming lesser everyday: like--
Our food - Fat-less
Our labor - Effortless..
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
Our emails - Useless

At Dining Table

Family at dining table:
Dad: The Land line bill is really increasing every month, You all must control on your usage.. I just use this phone, I call from my mobile only.
His wife says: Even me too don't use it. I only use my work phone.
Son: Same with me, I use my company's phone. and don'y use home telephone.
Than their Maid answers: Everything is OK, We all use our work telephones, You should check out with telephone department.

Wife Meaning

Meaning of WIFE. - without Information fighting every-time!
WIFE Replied: Nope it is - with idiot forever.

Drink and Drive

I really don't understand that If we're not supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

You Have Become Father

Nurse: Congrats, Your have become father but
Man: Wow, great new..
Nurse: But you need to arrange bottle of baby..
Man: Why? Is my child a Vampire??

Kid's Bad Habit

Once there was a kid who had a bad habit of sucking thumb. His father somehow told him that if he didn't stop doing this, he'd be fatty. After some time, there were a dinner party at their home, his son saw a pregnant lady.and said, "Oh! Ha ha - You also have the same habit?"

Impressing Boss

Sandy wanted to impress boss so he gave a box of packed gift to his boss on his birthday. Before opening it, boss shook it slightly, and he felt that it was wet in the corner. He touched his middle finger to the wet spot and tasted it, and asked, "Hey sandy - is it bottle of wine?"
Sandy: No boss
Again, he touched and tasted hi finger: "A bottle of scotch?"
Sand: No boss!
Finally he quieted asked sandy to tell What is it?
Sandy replied: "A sweet puppy, boss."

Than why are you drinking?

Two drunks, at bar, are making conversation:
Explain me , when you come home drunk - how does your wife reacts?
He replies: Well - I'm not married!
Ah than why do you drink?

4 Women and Their Sons

4 women were having kitty party and started bragging to one another about their sons.
1st woman: My son is a priest so when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'
2nd woman: My son is a bishop so whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'
3rd woman says: My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room he's called 'Your Eminence'
4th woman finally replied: Weel, my son is 5'11", has great physique, glowing face and terribly handsome, and dresses so well so whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'

Teacher Lesson..

Once a teacher was teaching a lesson on the subject of blood circulation. She was trying to make the matter clearer, so she gave example, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

Little Sunny shouted,

“Cause your feet ain’t empty.”