This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.
Last year, I deducted 12,126 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.
I failed my driver’s test. The officer asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member.
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?