... Funny Quotes New Short & Funny Jokes - The Laugh Starter: Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes


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"If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth."

"See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil."

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
-Rita Rudner

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
-Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Hello, my name is Lilah Krytsick, and on our wedding night, my husband gave me something very long and hard... a new name."
-Punchline

"In my house, I am the boss. My wife is the decision maker."
-Woody Allen

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
-Les Dawson

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."
-Airplane!

"I am not a real movie star. I’ve still go the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
-Will Rogers

funny quotes

"Love is the answer. But while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
-Woody Allen

"Lawyers should not marry other lawyers. This is called inbreeding from
which comes idiot children and other lawyers."
-David Wayne

"Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
-Albert Einstein

"A rich man's joke is always funny."
-Proverb

"A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."
-Dumas

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
-Mel Brooks

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
-Dame Edna Everage

"Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once."
-Eva Gabor

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-Dean Martin

"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine."
-David Brenner

"Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb."
-Dark Helmet, Space Balls

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
-Anonymous

"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused."
-Shirley Maclaine

"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don’t have the time."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
-David Letterman

Trish: "Do you have protection?"
Andy: "I don't believe in guns."
-40 Year Old Virgin

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
-Rita Rudner

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people
in America. If I am not there, I go to work."
-Robert Orben

"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
-Anonymous

"An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn’t take his education too seriously."
-Charles F. Kettering

"You can be young without money but you ca not be old without it."
-Anonymous

"It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Now I
am afraid to go to the bathroom."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."
-Louis Hector Berlioz

"The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk."
-Anonymous

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
-Anonymous

"There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner."
-Anonymous

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
-Oscar Wilde

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
-Anonymous

"A man is not poor if can still laugh."
-Raymond Hitchcock

"A drink a day keeps the shrink away."
-Edward Abbey

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."
-Joe E. Lewis

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."
-Dennis Miller

"My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives."
-Anonymous

"A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands."
-Anonymous

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
-Dave Barry

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
-Qscar Wilde

"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."
-Albert Einstein

"Please help the homeless. Take me home with you."
-Anonymous

"Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance?"
-Edgar Bergen

"9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
-Anonymous

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
-Chris Rock

"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra."
-Angie Dickinson

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."
-Ron White

"It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."
~Robert Frost

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to
produce bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning."
-Rich Cook 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…"
-Sir Norman Wisdom

"If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it."
-Bob Hope

"I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me."
-Dylan Moran

"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law."
-Sholom Aleichem

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
-Alfred Hitchcock

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
-George Bernard Shaw

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
-Jimmy Durante

"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."
-Robert Byrne

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